I spent nearly the entire day at work building Mahalo’s guide to Sports Bloopers. It’s got some great clips of hilarious bloopers, fights, and meltdowns. Go check it out and feel free to recommend anything you would like to see added.
Can you believe this is actually my job?
Tonight I snapped and finally realized what has been pent up inside me for months now. I hate Los Angeles! This has to be one of the worst places in America to live, and it gets worse every day.
Tonight I was supposed to go to a screening of the new movie Superbad. The movie started at 7:00, so I left work at 5:30, thinking that would be enough time to get to the theater which was about 8 miles from my office. WRONG! Two g*ddam hours later I made it to the theater, just in time for the movie to be half over.
This just set off a firestorm of everything I hate about Los Angeles. Let me just say that LA is full of f**cking morons who shouldn’t be allowed to drive. I know a good 95% of you people deserve to be locked away because you are just too stupid to function.
A word of advice: Green means go, gas is on the right. If you can’t follow these instructions, then get the hell out of my way. You wonder why I’m angry? Sh*t like this is what makes me angry!
And I love the people that honk their horns in a traffic jam. LIKE THIS DOES ANYTHING AT ALL TO HELP THE SITUATION YOU STUPID MFer. And then while I’m sitting at an intersection with pedestrians passing in front of me, some biatch behind me starts honking her horn and shouting what I can only assume are obscenities in a language I can’t understand (this is America). As much as I might enjoy mowing down citizens of Los Angeles, I’m not going to just so your a$$ can pass into the next lane. Get serious.
So traffic sucks 24 hours a day here and has only gotten worse since I arrived. This town has a serious problem on its hands. I used to be able to leave work at 7:30 and get home without much problem. Not anymore because idiot drivers out here seem to multiply like rabbits. You got these yuppies jackasses and A-holes driving their lame Bentleys and BMW’s with their heads up their asses. I swear it must be the law that you have to be talking on your cell phone while driving. God help you if ever you hit me while on your phone, I will shove it so far up you a$$ you’ll be text messaging with you teeth. Someone give me a box of grenades and some orange barrels and I will fix the traffic problem.
The other thing I’m so over is the whole “hollywood” thing. It’s all bulls**t. The truth is, there is very little I can do here to have fun that I couldn’t do in Cincinnati. Plus prices aren’t jacked up and it doesn’t take me an hour to drive one city block. All of you complaining about not liking where you live, shut up and be happy you don’t live here. It was kinda cool when I first got out here and started seeing famous people, but now I could care less. These people are just like everyone else. A$$holes. They think they walk on water and it shows. And why wouldn’t they? The people here worship everything they do and give them whatever they want. I learned that first hand at those stupid Spike TV awards (again, f**k you Spike TV). I don’t care if I see anymore famous people. When Charles Barkley comes to town I’ll go get his autograph. The rest can bite my a$$.
As soon as I’m rich I am outta here!
F*ckin’ California
Last night I got to go to the first annual Spike TV Guys Choice Awards taping here in LA. I was in the audience behind the performance stage. What I saw was a complete train wreck of a show.
Hosted by Tracy Morgan (SNL, 30 Rock) the Guys Choice Awards settles “debates” over things that guys supposedly talk about: Who’s the hottest Jessica, Who’s the biggest badass, crap like that.
If I had been watching this show on tv, I would’ve turned channels within 2 minutes. Tracy Morgan was a terrible host, frequently messing up lines and going off on tangents about nothing that was really all that funny. It’ll probably be the first and last time he is asked to host anything bigger than a tupperware party.
Before I go into more about the actual show, let me talk a little about my role in the taping. I was a member of the guys in the audience behind the stage. My roommate and I were surrounded by roughly 50 douchebags who clearly had no interests beyond alcohol and T&A, which really was the whole purpose of the show. If it were possible to get stoned off of hair gel, I would’ve gotten a contact high.
Anyway, they herd us in there like cattle and make us stand there for about 2 hours before the show even started. We would continue to stand through the entire taping as there were no chairs in our section. Even worse, the promise of beer and food was made before we even arrived. What we got was ONE beer before the taping, and none after that. The show runners said they would be getting us more, but clearly that was a lie just to keep us settled until they started taping and we would be stuck. The whole situation was just poorly thought out. Have us sit at tables with beer and pretzels or something. Don’t make us stand there for 5 f*cking hours with nothing to eat or drink. You think we were a little restless by the time this disaster was almost over? You think we were a bit agitated while all the pampered celebrities got to drink until they were stumbling through acceptance speeches (Rose McGowan)?
So anyway, here were the high points of the show:
ZZ top performed while Carmen Electra and the burlesque whores pranced around in lingerie and took advantage of conveniently placed stripper poles. Plus, they had to do this twice due to technical issues during the first go around. Bonus!
Pee Wee Herman gave an award to Will Ferrell (who was hilarious).
Adam Sandler gave a funny speech after receiving the “Guys Guy” award. He then introduced Styx who rocked out.
Everything else was pretty much a big, time wasting crap fest. Most of this garbage probably won’t even make air. I’ll watch the broadcast just to try and find myself in the audience (Hint: I’m to the right on the stage where ZZ Top and Styx performed).
Hopefully the next Hollywood event I attend will have some sort of point or purpose. But then again, we’re talking about Hollywood.
F*%k you, Spike TV! You guys suck!
F*ckin’ California
Our own little short about the issues of remote control frustration has made it on to Will Ferrell’s video site! Go check it out and vote if possible.
