Every six months or so we get a another one of those “Movie” movies out of Hollywood. Last time it was Meet the Spartans, and despite my ordering people not to see it, they did anyway. By people, I mean idiot teens whose parents are too stupid to teach them any sense. So what happens? We now have Disaster Movie.

I want to murder everyone that was involved in making this movie. Cast, crew, everybody. I’m not going to tell people not to go see this movie because we all know American teens are morons and will go anyway. Worst of all, they will probably laugh and think it’s clever and original. So, in another six months, we’ll have Monster Movie, then Not Another Disaster Movie, then Parody Movie, and finally, Movie Movie.

Your American citizenship should be revoked if you actually go to a theater to see this crap.

I’m not going to sit here and write a 10-page diatribe about the new Batman movie like every other wannabe film critic jackass. I’ll just say that the film was absolutely amazing and that Heath Ledger played the role of The Joker to perfection. It’s such a shame that Ledger won’t be able to reprise the role ever again.

The Dark Knight is about as close to a perfect movie as you can get. This is one film that lives up to all the hype and more. I give it a 10/10.

Despite my predictions that it would fail, “Meet the Spartans” came in first at the box office this weekend. This means one thing:

I have seriously overestimated the intelligence of people in our society.

I’m going to be blunt. If you went out and saw this movie, you are a complete f***ing IDIOT! I don’t care. You are the kind of dumb that used to only exist in cartoons. If you left this movie after seeing it thinking what a waste of time and money it was and regretted your choice that evening, then you are STILL an idiot because you should have known better. There are no passes for this one.

And don’t come on here commenting that you saw it and liked it and that I should shut up. You’re an idiot of the highest order and don’t deserve to breathe, let alone speak.

You know what I saw this weekend? Rambo. That’s right! F***ing RAMBO! Because Rambo kicks ass and did in this movie like he was supposed to. It’s not academy award winning storytelling. It’s just loud violent fun.

Nothing is fun about “Meet the Spartans.” These movies are single handedly killing cinematic comedy. Parody is not taking something and re-creating it with shitty actors doing poor imitations. Parody is taking something and putting a unique, humorous spin on it (Mel Brooks, The Simpsons). You can’t spoof a comedy. Borat is funny. Watching someone I never heard of dress up like Borat and it’s not a Halloween party? NOT funny.

This all proves that there are a ton of stupid people out there. It also means that we’re going to get another one of these steaming piles of monkey shit next year, probably featuring a lot of handheld camera shots of people screaming “oh my god,” “what is that!” and “ohshitohshitohshitohshit!”

So keep it up, young America. Continue to provide these horrible writers and directors with more money to make more horrible movies. You deserve to be charged with a felony if you saw “Meet the Spartans.”

There are very few times that I have ever considered walking out of a movie before it has ended. Rob Zombie’s version of Halloween made me want to run out of the theater, dig a hole, and bury my head in it until I forgot that I had actually paid money to see such an atrocity of film making. Oh yes, it was that bad.

Rob Zombie at some point thought to himself that the original Halloween just wasn’t how he envisioned it should be, so he decided that he would make his own version of it. Mr. Zombie must’ve thought there should be a remake of Halloween that took all the suspense, excitement, and thrills of the original classic flick and completely toss them out the window. But kids today are dumb enough to go see anything labeled a horror movie, especially one with “Halloween” in the title.

I haven’t seem the original Halloween in quite some time, so it’s not like I’m comparing the two. The 2007 incarnation is just a big, nonsensical killing spree. The same unoriginal murder scene happens over and over again. Teens have sex, Michael comes in, kills the boyfriend, then chases the topless girl around until she’s dead. This literally happens three or four times.

And the big explanation for why Michael Myers was a demented killer? Oh, he was just born that way. How creative. My new mission is to get the $20 I spent on this movie back from Rob Zombie himself. So if anyone happens to know where he lives or how to get a hold of him that would help.

Long story short, this movie absolutely sucks, so don’t see it. Go watch the original for a good, classic scare.

Rob Zombie should not be allowed to make movies

What do you get when you mix rich Euro trash with “The Fast and the Furious?” The movie “Redline,” which opens in theaters today. Will I see it? F*#@ NO! I bet this movie will make F&F look like an Oscar winner.

Obviously I do not have to see this movie to know that it is an absolute suckfest. Come on! The biggest star in the movie is Eddie Griffin? I know America is filled with idiots, but even they should feel insulted. And apparently the only selling point to this film is cool cars and hot girls, which I can see anywhere on the internet, or on the streets out here in Beverly Hills for that matter.

If there’s one upside to all this, it’s knowing that if a steaming pile of monkey crap like this can get made, then anything I write on a napkin can become a movie. Although I must admit, I will probably watch this movie (not at a theater) to see just how bad it really is, then think of all the ways I could’ve made it entertaining.

Thanks to “SCG” for the entry:
With the high prices for seeing a movie anymore, I rarely endorse a movie that I see. Well…I saw ‘Borat’ last night and still can’t stop laughing.

Anyone who hasn’t seen it already needs to rush out to the nearest theater immediately.

Rarely does a movie make me laugh out loud but this movie had me in tears.  And there are a few scenes that will haunt me for years.

If you happen to be black, christian, or Jewish, a sense of humor and open mind are necessary to enjoy this movie.  It’s all in fun and damn fun it is!

Angry Ken says:  I still haven’t seen it, but I can’t wait.  Any movie that can offend so many people of diverse backgrounds is right up my alley.

Just a reminder to all you jackasses that “Jackass: Number 2″ comes out today.  I can’t wait to see this movie. From what I’ve heard so far, it is 10 times funnier than the first film.  And that’s pretty damn funny! Get ready to lose your lunch from laughing so hard.

On another note, the movie “Chopping Mall”, which was released in 1986, has to be one of the worst films ever made.  I recommend checking it out just for laughs.  The premise is stupid (three killer robots go ape sh*t in a shopping mall after hours), the acting is laughably bad, and the special affects are outdated, even for the 80’s.  Nonetheless, you’ll be entertained just at how bad the movie really is.  I remembered seeing it as a kid, and even then it was dumb.

The best part was the tagline for the trailer.

“They broke into the mall, for the party of their lives.”

Wow.

I knew it would be awful, and it did not disappoint.  “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” was that bad.  So bad that it was funny.

“The Fast and the Furious” (2001) had a decent, yet still slightly stupid story, but was entertaining.”

“2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003) was even dumber, but again, fun to watch.

“Tokyo Drift” was just f*ckin’ idiotic.  I don’t know who directed it, but it proves that you don’t have to be creative or witty to make a movie.  The dialogue was horrible, the story didn’t make any sense, and I wasn’t all that impressed with the driving scenes, or the cars.  And they put a Nissan engine in a Mustang for god sake! That’s just not right.

I can’t remember the exact line, but it was something like “I can lose a car, but it’s worth it, to see what a man is made of.”  Classic.

Nonetheless, I had fun watching and making fun of it. It was like Mystery Science Theatre (great show by the way).

I recommend this movie for a good laugh, or if you like making fun of movies while watching them with friends.

Thanks Beantown for the movie review.

So, Miami Vice… Unlike everyone’s low expectations for the movie it actually delivered. Despite the loud f*ck sitting behind me talking as loudly as possible, chewing like a cow, and laughing at all the wrong parts, I enjoyed the movie. To start, after the opening you know the MGM or whateva screen, the movie gets right into it. No credits, no actor names, directors, none of dat.  At this point I was excited. I have to say the best part, were the action scenes. Now I love action flicks, but i have yet to see a movie where as someone is getting shot, it’s so explicit that you feel the pain. Micheal Mann spared no one with that. The love scenes yeah…I got horny, I’m sorry but DAMN!! All in all, the action was great, the story line worked perfectly well, Colin’s moustache was horrible, Jaime Fox was smoldering, that asian lady was very sexy. Man I cant get this one scene out of my head where (about to ruin it for you) Jamie Fox was so upset at this dude for kidnapping his girl, he kicked his ass to the ground and as the guy was crawling to safety(away from Jamie) he looks at him feeling sorry for him then just puts one right in his head! Man that was brutal! Sorry for ruining that scene but…you know. I’d recommend it, just dont stuff your stomach to much u might gag at some shooting scenes.

Angry Ken says: I still think it’s gonna suck without pastel suits.

…and so should you if you actually go see this movie. I saw one commercial for this piece of crap, and that was enough. Who exactly is this movie supposed to appeal to anyway? Maybe the tagline should be “If you liked Van Wilder, then you’ll hate this movie. And if you hated Van Wilder, you’ll still hate this movie.” It’ll be on HBO in a month, and still not worth a glance.

Let’s not forget another work of cinematic brilliance heading to theaters, “Little Man”. Apparently film studio big wigs seem to ignore just how much money they have lost on all Wayans brothers movies, because they keep allowing these f*ckers to make films. The Wayans brothers aren’t, and never were, funny. Damon Wayans is the exception, and luckily he seems to stay far away from his brothers’ work. Black people aren’t even going to go see this movie. Films like this and the forementioned John Tucker are an insult to the American movie-going public.