I know there’s a really good chance that the Bengals will lose to the Steelers Sunday, but what the heck. I still revile the Steelers and their fans.

Who knows. If the defense doesn’t give up a million points, we might have a shot.

The Cincinnati Bengals are pathetic, and it’s not just the defense anymore. The entire coaching staff should be fired Monday morning. This team has no discipline, no direction, and things aren’t going to get better. No team with this much talent should be this bad. Clean house and get some competent coaches in here to fix this mess.

After three consecutive losses, the Cincinnati Bengals got back on the winning side of things, besting the Bye Week 27-14.

“It feels good man. It’s good when things go your way,” said Bengals WR Chad Johnson. Johnson torched the Bye Week’s secondary for 153 yards and two touchdowns. “I had some touchdown celebrations I’d been saving for a few weeks. I finally got to give the crowd what it really wants, the best entertainer in the NFL.”

Bengals coach Marvin Lewis was also relieved to see his team finally show some consistency, especially on defense.

“We knew the Bye Week was going to come in fresh and rested up,” said Lewis, whose team had a short week after playing New England Monday night. “We had a lot of guys banged up and playing on short rest, but we also got some of our guys back to fill out our defense.” Lewis attributed a deeper bench to rest the defense got by falling asleep on the field during the first four weeks of the season. “We rescheduled team naps to after the game rather than during. I think that made a big difference.”

The Bengals advance to 2-3 and the season with the win. Meanwhile, the Bye Week coaching staff is left scratching their heads at what was supposed to be their day off.

Luckily for Chicago fans, even shitty teams can make the playoffs in baseball. Seriously. All the cubs had to do was be 8 games above .500 in baseball’s worst division. And they celebrate this monumental achievement in mediocrity with bottles of champagne.

I guess Cub fans need something to be happy about. I mean, we all know none of them have jobs (much like the thousands of unemployed Steeler fans) which is why you spend your time at other towns’ ballparks, following a team that hasn’t won anything in like 300 years. This is why I hate living in LA, because I didn’t get to go to the final series in Cincinnati. The fact that my stadium was filled with all these degenerate losers just makes me sick. Now I know that there weren’t many Reds fans there due to the fact that this was yet another lost season, much like the last 12. But I wish I could’ve at least been there to help fight off the blue masses. (On a side note, I’ve been to these games before, and Cub fans are some of the most obnoxious jerkoffs I’ve ever seen.)

My only hope is that we have another Bartman incident, so everyone can see their true colors. Or maybe the Cubs can follow in the Cardinals’ footsteps and become the worst team to ever win a world series.

The Bengals special teams didn’t even give Carson Palmer and the Cincinnati offense a chance to take the field in the closing minutes against Seattle, resulting in another winnable game to slip through their hands. In the final two minutes, the three-ring circus that is the Bengals’ defense failed to get a crucial stop and gave up their 927th touchdown pass in 3 games. Meanwhile the “run first, use strategy later” return team managed to cough up the ball at the worst possible time. The only thing missing was the Benny Hill music.

With this loss, the Bengals will go into the by week 1-3 (I give the Bengals D no chance at stopping New England). Another 8-8 year? Maybe if we’re lucky.

You know what I’ve done and plan to keep on doing this weekend? Absolutely nothing! And it’s been everything I thought it could be.

The biggest weekend event comes tomorrow morning when the Bengals play the Cleveland Clowns. This should be an easy win, but I won’t be satisfied with anything less than a two-touchdown victory. And much furniture will be thrown should the Bengals manage to lose. But Cleveland really really really sucks.

I wonder how many quarters into the game it takes them to put Brady Quinn in. If you ask me, they might as well seeing that their season is already over just one game in. But then again, this is Cleveland we’re talking about.

Look at that. A post about laziness managed to turn into a discussion of football. Much like everything in life should.

I might do this every week, I might not. I didn’t do it for week 1, so looks like I already blew it. Either way, here are my picks (in bold) to win in the NFL this week:

* Atlanta Falcons at Jacksonville Jaguars
* Buffalo Bills at Pittsburgh Steelers - I still hate the Steelers.
* Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns - Bengals should stomp the clowns.
* Green Bay Packers at New York Giants
* Houston Texans at Carolina Panthers
* Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans
* New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
* San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams
* Dallas Cowboys at Miami Dolphins
* Kansas City Chiefs at Chicago Bears
* Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions
* New York Jets at Baltimore Ravens
* Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos
* Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals
* San Diego Chargers at New England Patriots - Bill Belichick is a prick and the Patriots are a group of classless cheaters. Since I hate them, they’ll end up winning.
* Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles

For more stuff about the NFL, check out Mahalo.com

I spent nearly the entire day at work building Mahalo’s guide to Sports Bloopers. It’s got some great clips of hilarious bloopers, fights, and meltdowns. Go check it out and feel free to recommend anything you would like to see added.

Can you believe this is actually my job?

Yes, I am actually watching the National Spelling Bee right now. This is great, but somebody needs to faint or get pissed and start yelling, or something. These kids must all be on ritalin.