University of Cincinnati Athletic Director Mike Thomas recently sat down to answer questions about the search for a head basketball coach, with the stipulation that he would not discuss individual candidates. You can read his responses here. 

Now read what he really should have said:

Question: Do you have a list of finalists for the job?

Answer: We have a short list of made up names surrouned by crude stick figure drawings. (When we hired the search firm) folks automatically assumed we had gotten nowhere. They’re pretty much correct in that assumption.

Q: Why did you hire the search firm?

A: As athletic director, it is my job to find and hire a head coach. However, I am quite incompetant at doing so, and since I am a lazy bastard, I decided to use university money to pay someone else to do the job.

Q: Is the search firm looking for candidates you might have overlooked, or did you give it a list of finalists to work from?

A: We already made a list. It would make too much sense to hire an outside firm and have them expand on what we’ve already done. Plus, there’s a chance they might find some excellent candidates, which would divert from our plan of screwing everything up. We just don’t know what to do beyond making a list.

Q: What made some people question your decision to hire Eastman & Beaudine, Inc., was the Feb. 27 letter you sent to the boosters in which you wrote “at this time, I have no plans to utilize the assistance of an external search firm.” What changed after you wrote that letter?

A: If you read the letter, it says, “at this time.” I never said that I wouldn’t hire a search firm. It was basically a way to humor the boosters, make them happy for the time being.

Q: Did you first contact the firm after you wrote the letter to the boosters?

A: Oh, absolutely. About 20 seconds after sticking those letters in the mailbox.

Q: How much is the university paying the firm?

A: Remember when we wasted millions of dollars to hire an outside firm to redesign our logo? Not quite that much, but still enough to where it would have made sense for me to just do the job I am paid for rather than using more of the University’s money. But I’m sure we will just raise the students’ tuition again to cover the cost.

Q: Can you say how many coaches are on your short list?

A: What list? Oh right, the coaches list….no.

Q: And current UC interim head coach Andy Kennedy is on that list?

A: I will say yes, because I have to humor the boosters and the fans.

Q: The fan base has overwhelmingly supported Kennedy. Has that affected your search?

A: Not really. The fans do not play a part in this. If we were here to make the fans happy then things would be going great. We have been pissing the fans off for months now. Why would we stop? It’s not like fan support will make or break the program.

Q: Are you concerned that if you wait too long and you decide Kennedy is your choice, you might lose him to another school that offers him a job before you do?

- Angry Ken says: Seriously, I don’t even need to make this up from this point on. It’s already ridiculous. Read for yourself. I will just go to the last question.

Q: Is there anything you want to add? Anything you want to say to UC fans?

A: For the sake of PR, I will say that I can’t tell you how proud I am of this program and the student-athletes and I’m just as proud of the fans for sticking with this program, despite our gross incompetance, and being there and being the sixth man because I know it (should) mean a lot to me, it means a lot to the coaches we will eventually fire and it means a lot to the kids who we have insulted and disrespected. We have set UC’s basketball program back 3 or 4 years with poor decision making. Hopefully fans will still show up when we are a losing team with no recruits and unable to reach the NCAA tournament for years to come.