Last night I got to go to the first annual Spike TV Guys Choice Awards taping here in LA. I was in the audience behind the performance stage. What I saw was a complete train wreck of a show.

Hosted by Tracy Morgan (SNL, 30 Rock) the Guys Choice Awards settles “debates” over things that guys supposedly talk about: Who’s the hottest Jessica, Who’s the biggest badass, crap like that.

If I had been watching this show on tv, I would’ve turned channels within 2 minutes. Tracy Morgan was a terrible host, frequently messing up lines and going off on tangents about nothing that was really all that funny. It’ll probably be the first and last time he is asked to host anything bigger than a tupperware party.

Before I go into more about the actual show, let me talk a little about my role in the taping. I was a member of the guys in the audience behind the stage. My roommate and I were surrounded by roughly 50 douchebags who clearly had no interests beyond alcohol and T&A, which really was the whole purpose of the show. If it were possible to get stoned off of hair gel, I would’ve gotten a contact high.

Anyway, they herd us in there like cattle and make us stand there for about 2 hours before the show even started. We would continue to stand through the entire taping as there were no chairs in our section. Even worse, the promise of beer and food was made before we even arrived. What we got was ONE beer before the taping, and none after that. The show runners said they would be getting us more, but clearly that was a lie just to keep us settled until they started taping and we would be stuck. The whole situation was just poorly thought out. Have us sit at tables with beer and pretzels or something. Don’t make us stand there for 5 f*cking hours with nothing to eat or drink. You think we were a little restless by the time this disaster was almost over? You think we were a bit agitated while all the pampered celebrities got to drink until they were stumbling through acceptance speeches (Rose McGowan)?

So anyway, here were the high points of the show:

ZZ top performed while Carmen Electra and the burlesque whores pranced around in lingerie and took advantage of conveniently placed stripper poles. Plus, they had to do this twice due to technical issues during the first go around. Bonus!

Pee Wee Herman gave an award to Will Ferrell (who was hilarious).

Adam Sandler gave a funny speech after receiving the “Guys Guy” award. He then introduced Styx who rocked out.

Everything else was pretty much a big, time wasting crap fest. Most of this garbage probably won’t even make air. I’ll watch the broadcast just to try and find myself in the audience (Hint: I’m to the right on the stage where ZZ Top and Styx performed).

Hopefully the next Hollywood event I attend will have some sort of point or purpose. But then again, we’re talking about Hollywood.

F*%k you, Spike TV! You guys suck!

F*ckin’ California